Mel*Mel

2012-01-17T01:31:00.001+08:00

Liking the same guy, for 4 years. To some its a really long time, but to some others, its not. But its enough to know that since he's going away soon, I'm having this indescribable heartache. I can't cry about it, but it just hurts. I pray that someday I'll marry him. Because I could never imagine living without him. I know, I'm still young, I may not know. But it just seems like it. I fell in love with him. I like his smile, I love how when I'm so sad, he can just say something to make me happy. I'm amazed by him. He never fails to surprise me and how strong one can be with God. He's so broken, yet he doesn't complain, he doesn't show it. I love the way he worships God, and just trusts everything in Him. So inspirational. Yet, of course I hate that he can live without me, but that I can't live without him. That even my best friend may be closer to him than I may be. I hate that I may never mean anything more than a sister to him. I hate it that I may not deserve him, that he may be too good for me. And that when he goes away, hopefully not for too long, he may meet someone else along the way. Insecurities, that's all it is.
But I've always seen us as those couples you see on TV. Like Meridith and Derek on Grey's Anatomy, or like Melinda and Jim in Ghost Whisperer. I see us growing old together, having a family, meeting each other in Heaven, again. My school friends think I'm crazy, and desperate, but I'm not. I just know what I want. I'm not chasing after it now, after all, I'm still young, I'll give it a couple of years. I've waited for 4 years, who's to say that I can't carry on waiting for some miracle to happen? I can.
This feeling, having all my emotions running through my body, that weird heartache I'm having now, having my emotions put into words in my brain, but too fast that I can't type if out. Its so weird, yet, it isn't new. I've got it before, talking about him. I try to find so many faults in him, for myself not to like him, but I can't. Everytime I think about him, its always good things.
But its not like crazy teen love. Okay, maybe it is, but I just know its different from last time, back when I was younger. When I was younger, I went to church to see him, and if I connect with God along the way, then good. Now, I go to church for God. And I see God in him, and in me. God plays such a big part now, and I see it. Which is why I know this is sort of like the real deal. But yet again, I'm young and still growing, so who am I to know so much?

2012-01-17T00:40:00.000+08:00

Dear God, I pray that you will help me to be more like You, to be less fierce, less angry and less harsh with my words. I hope You continue to guide me and help me to grow in a Godly way. I pray that You will continue to look out for all of us in church and our families. I pray that the politics of the church with settle down soon and people will realize that You are the focus and so that they will return back to Your altar. God, please help them not to get too caught up in wordly things Lord, as they do not last forever, and they draw us away from You. Lord, help me to not get too caught up in worldly things. Amen.

2011-12-15T19:04:00.000+08:00

Past few days I've been rather sad, cause I mean, after all the flirting me and Oreo did, I really thought it meant something. But I guess not. He was just using me. He played me. It made me even more mad for the fact that I was his close friend, and he was mine, and he decided that he could just play with my feelings. Like, if he wanted to play a girl, it should've been some other girl, not me. To him it was nothing, but to me, I really thought it was something, because I really liked him. But I'm totally over it, like this whole situation was way too overrated anyway. I mean, my feelings for him are still here, but they're smaller, like, I don't like him as much as I use to. I guess its because he broke my heart, without even knowing, without even thinking. But yeah, like I said, I'm not sad about this anymore, I don't know why, I'm just not anymore. Which was really good, cause I did what I had to, to settle it all, to give us both some space. And with something bad ending, something good starts ;)

2011-12-15T18:51:00.000+08:00

So, birthday is on thursday. Exactly 1 week from now. And guess what? This is actually the first year I haven't celebrated my birthday. :O I'm normally the go-all-out-and-party-like-there's-no-tomorrow type of person. But I guess not this year. But I do wanna celebrate my birthday, but at the same time, I kind of don't. Call me selfish or what, but my birthday is the day that I would expect everything to be about me. Cause its MY special day. Yet, many of my friends are like tryna make me have a party, so they can like enjoy themselves, drink vodka, hang with friends. I mean, yeah, that's cool, but like, please, its my birthday! ME, NOT YOU. You wanna do that for my birthday, but I don't. Do that for your own birthday. Like seriously. Stop using me as an excuse.
Okay, that was good to get out of my system. Whew.

But I still do wish someone would do a surprise party for me. Like, I wanna be that important to someone. I mean, how awesome will that be? :) That would be amazing. But, yeah, I'm doubtful anything like that would happen, so, expect nothing, so you won't get disappointed. Yeahhhhh

2011-10-24T01:41:00.000+08:00

From the start, I wanted to go to England because I wanted a boy. I want one of those boys, you know? Yeah, that boy. He doesn't have to be perfect, I wouldn't an him to be perfect anyway, cause I'm not either. But I just want one of those boys, he'll make me happy, make me smile, listen to me, he'll be imperfect of course, but perfect for me. I guess how I'm feeling is all a part of growing up, I mean there's so much to growing up. There's lots of good, but plenty of bad as well. Like, some good would be of course the boys, and of course how they mature, and how everyone is just growing. Bad is having to let go, having to let go of everything that once was. Obviously, there's more to it than what I'm saying, but I'm not really in-the-zone now to tell you everything, or anything. Oh, another bad of growing up is that some people draw apart and can still be best friends, but it just isn't the same. Some stuff is also you lose people that you always thought were gonna be there for you. Growing up, there's nothing to it, except there's everything to it.

2011-09-25T21:54:00.002+08:00

I got this from tumblr, per usual. And it speaks so much. I'm not gonna say much, I have no mood. But I just think its very inspirational and so share it, right? :)

2011-09-14T21:41:00.000+08:00

Its sad, that you don't know how much pain I'm going through. You were always the person I first went to when I had to talk, you were the person to listen. But I know now that you're not interested in listening to me cause when I really really need you to talk to me, you're not there for me. And yet you don't know. Even when you ask me ''what's up?'', I read so much into it, thinking you finally found out I've hit a hard patch, but, I guess not. Maybe its because we're growing up. I don't know, I just know I don't like where this is heading. I don't feel like you're my best best friend, at least not anymore. I feel like now I have no best friend, just friends. Maybe a few better friends than others, but, I don't know, I feel alone. The only thing that's keeping me going is HIM. He makes me happy, he's like my teenage dream. <3 And even you don't know who that HIM is! I'll just hope that things will get better. They have to.

2011-09-14T00:41:00.002+08:00

The feeling is impeccable. Its the greatest feeling ever. When you're really close guy friend is coming back to you. He makes me happy, he really does. He makes me feel priceless and important, like I'm at the top of the world. I never want this feeling to go away. Today, in class, we grouped together, because he made an effort to group with me! (Score 1!) We didn't talk a lot, like crazy talk, but it was good silence. Not awkward, not anything, just silence. It was sweet because I felt him, you know? Its like being with someone in total silence, but it still being enjoyable? Yeah, that's kinda what I felt. <3 I don't ever want to have to let go of him again, he really is the best <3

2011-09-11T19:49:00.003+08:00

I got this from tumblr, and it spoke excactly what I needed to hear. I need someone to put their arms around me and to tell me that they're there for me. I'm not suggesting for anyone in particular (but it would be nice if cupcake stepped up to the role), but I just need the reassurance more than I ever did before.

I feel like giving up. It was a big slap in the face. I had ever felt so demoralized before. (Okay, maybe I have, I just can't remember) The feeling is horrendous. I wanna still be happy worshipping God and serving in church, but its becoming harder and harder. Its like my efforts aren't appreciated. I don't get praise, I don't get thank yous. I've gotten use to not getting praise, but getting thrown down on top of that is not what I expected. I mean, I do get praised once in awhile, but there's always someone there to make it worse, make the praise not matter anymore by saying that I'm not good enough. I mean, what's the point of even serving then? I am commited, I serve almost every other week and I really do try my best for God, but it never seems good enough. Some might say I'm complaining too much or expecting too much, but I'm not like them, I'm not strong enough to stand up on my own. I'm still growing. As old or mature I may seem for a 15 year old, I still need encouragement, I still need people to tell me that I'm needed and God appreciates me. I know many can say that, but then why do I feel like crap? Its not fair. And I don't even make things very difficult. I don't voice out much, I help more than I need to, but yet.....

2011-08-31T22:26:00.000+08:00

When he looked at her, I knew something was going on. It wasn't romance but he had love in his eyes when their eyes met. At that moment, I knew I had lost him forever. I couldn't get my favourite boy back.

2011-08-23T23:24:00.001+08:00

I don't wanna grow up. But I am. Everything is changing. I mean, I look back at all the things that have happened in the past few years and I miss that. There have been some new things that have been good but I really miss it all, you know? ''Sometimes I can't believe it, I'm moving past the feeling'' - The Suburbs, Arcade Fire.

2011-07-24T23:04:00.000+08:00

Are you being serious right now? It was just a random message and yet you're reading so much into it. You seem really insecure and paranoid. I mean, yes, I did like you and I may still like you, I'm not sure, but c'mon! I'm not looking for something more than a friendship. So what now? I can't SMS you random messages or even have a normal conversation with you just because of this? Grow up! We don't even have a friendship to start with and that's why I'm working on that right now. But apparently, I'm the only one that wants something like that for the both of us. So I guess its a sign I should stop trying. So be it. So much for getting false hope that we could have just a normal friendship, like everyone else, so much for making me think that we were actually getting somewhere. I don't think I'm really asking for much. Its good you'll be going for army soon, maybe it'll be good for both of us and for you to think less into things, not saying that you're any bad now, I mean, if you were bad, I wouldn't have liked you, would I? But I believe maybe we need space to breathe, even though there's nothing going on between us, like not even a friendship. But I guess, you're more gay than I thought. So fine, Kudos to you for all of this. Ugh, it's hard to like you now. You're not as nice a person I thought you were.

2011-06-28T00:47:00.000+08:00

I was just listening to Who You Are by Jessie J and it started reminding me of alot of stuff. About myself. Like how I thought I was myself, till I went to Indonesia, for my mission trip. I finally saw the side of me that I haven't seen in sucha long time.

I heard my crazy, loud laugh that I thought I lost. I got my attitude back. Not super awesome, but that's who I am. :) I got in touch with my outrageous personality again, the ultimate crazy one.

It was refreshing, and it was a wake up for me. I realized that person overtime, went to hide. So what I thought was me this whole time was not. Hard to understand? Yeah, even I don't really understand myself. But now that I'm back, I realized its harder than I thought, to get my real self back. But I miss that me. This trip showed me that I still have me. This mission trip showed me more that the normal spiritual stuff. It showed me my true self.

Hmm, thinking about it, I realized I could only be myself there. Maybe its a sign I should go there more often or something. This trip enlightened me alot. I'm happy I went. There were some tough times and things that I don't wanna remember or wished didn't happen. But, oh well, everything's already happened. And there's plenty of good things that happened on the trip too! There's so much I wanna say, and wanna share but some stuff, words can't explain and/or describe. But that's a good song, Who You Are- Jessie J. You should go listen to it. :) Might remind you of some stuff. HAHA, I'm so inconsistent. But it just all rushes through, I guess.

The lyrics that spoke to me the most were:

I nearly left the real me on the shelf

No, no, no, no, no

Don't lose it all in the blur of the stars

Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing

It's okay not to be okay

Sometimes its hard to follow your heart

Tears don't mean you're losing

Everybody's bruising

Just be true to who you are

2011-05-17T06:48:00.002+08:00

I seriously don't know what to say to you anymore. You're suppose to be my parent, not what you are now. You treat me like crap and make me feel like crap. I hate you, a lot.

2011-04-23T00:19:00.000+08:00

There's alot you don't know about me. How much pain I've gone through. You think I'm just some rich kid with a family that's together, who has everything she needs and wants and that's why she's so spoilt. Behind all that, there's someone so hurt. Someone who's gone through so much, some things you'd never even imagine. But you can't see all this, either because you're too shallow to even notice, or I just hide it too well, tryna be strong for the people around me. So don't judge, but accept.

2011-04-23T00:09:00.000+08:00

You're not suppose to lie about these type of things, I thought we were best friends. I'd rather be hurt by the truth than by a lie. And you wonder why we're not as close as before anymore. You're scared to tell me the truth, but you think I'll don't know when you're telling the truth and when you're telling a lie? It just saddens me. Lying to my face. And I feel I'm always the one asking you out. And more than half the time, you turn me down. You don't know how cheated I feel. You make me sick sometimes.

2011-04-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

Its so unfair that you're always like that. Pushing the blame to me, like its my fault. Its both our faults, but you always wanna make it seem like its all me, even bringing up the past. And I have to take it all because I'm your daughter and you're just unreasonable like that. You keep saying that I put my friends first, before family. I don't deny it, because its true. But has it ever occurred to you why I think my friends are more important than family? My friends treat me well, they don't think of me secondary, they make me feel special, they don't blame me for shit that I didn't do. They treat me fairly and they accept me. Family doesn't, which is why according to you, I'm not part of the family. I try not to argue about this matter anymore, because it's pointless. You don't listen anyway, and the damage is done and irreversible. You say we needa have a discussion, but we both know that mean you talking and me trying to voice my opinion and getting no where. It's just unfair and I don't like it. It's wayyyyyyy to much.

2011-03-18T01:10:00.001+08:00

You know, I'm objective and rational enough. If not I wouldn't even be thinking about this at all. I don't need you to tell me stuff I already know. I need to be reassured that staying is the right thing. I think it doesn't matter to you whether I stay or not, cause I don't matter to you. Just admit it, I'm not important enough for you to stop me from going. I just wish I was.

2011-03-06T01:15:00.000+08:00

I just don't know what I'm suppose to do with you. I think I like you, or maybe I don't but, everything you've been saying makes me sooooo mad. Like WTH man. How can you just say those type of things? Sometimes its harmless jokes which make me go like ''what...'' but sometimes the things just hurt. I'm really starting to dislike you, you irritating piece of <3. Ugh. I like you, but I don't.

2011-03-04T21:41:00.000+08:00

I don't know if its suppose to be normal that we aren't close anymore, but I'm broken up about it. But at least I fought for it. I asked you 3 weeks in a row, without notice, whether you wanted to sleepover and once, just the other day, with notice, but I got turned down, for every time. Maybe its not the right time, but, I don't know. I'm feeling unsure. I make time for you on the weekends, since you say you aren't free on the weekdays, but it doesn't seem to be enough. I just want my best friend back. Alot of things are going thru my mind right now. Its like, after the fight, we are worlds apart, and I'm the only one making the effort to restore this friendship. I don't even talk to you about these type of things anymore, because I'm not confident in telling you anything. I call you to chat, and sometimes you talk to me, sometimes it isn't the right time, but, you never call me. It hurts deep inside. But I guess I'll just keep hush about it. See how it plays out. What's the point anyway? Well, I tried.

2011-02-26T23:50:00.001+08:00

Its a feeling of mix emotions. Its too much to blog. But I'm not even in a very good state now. But I'll survive. I always do, even though sometimes I wish I didn't. I need to cry, and I need to drink. Now.

2010-12-17T04:23:00.002+08:00

I could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now. - Airplanes

2010-12-07T05:37:00.000+08:00

Hah, sorry I'm not good enough for your standards, I really am. Because I know I'm at the loss too, but not for the reasons you think. Its amazing how people change overnight, it really is. I didn't mean to spoil your holiday, go bake cupcakes for all I care. Run away from the problem till you get back. Take your time to cool off, I was expecting the unexpected this whole time anyway, from the best friend that I knew, to the person that change overnight into a person I've never seen before. A cold, cold person. Go enjoy your holiday, really do. Oh, and I'm sorry I'm too childish for you, that you're so mature. I'm sorry I actually got in the way of your holiday, gave you too much bullshit to handle, I'm sorry that I have no understanding in this matter, and I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to you. Why am I apologizing? I seriously don't see us moving forward from this at all. I'm sorry, I really don't. Sorry to have disappointed you. Wait, I'm not sorry, cause you don't seem to care anyway.

2010-12-02T23:19:00.001+08:00

You're a great piece of work, you know that? I'm laughing so hard right now. Why? You're suddenly like someone I don't know, someone I just met yesterday. Someone who isn't my best friend. But maybe that's what it's suppose to be. Maybe we're not suppose to be best friends anymore. Like you said, I don't understand you, AT ALL. Maybe, it's all planned. That's what I believe, at least what I believe now. Hahah, have a great life, I guess they were right, friends come and go all the time, just gotta find those worth fighting for, maybe you're not worth fighting for, and I'm not worth fighting for too. Just gotta thank you for those times where we fought, and you made the first move, to get us back together. Really appreciated it, thanks. Hahaha, we've reached the end. Oh, and I guess you don't understand me too, since everything you said about me, ain't true either. Hah! We're on the same page. Cheers, byotch. :)

2010-12-02T03:02:00.001+08:00

I feel so damn good. Beat that b*tch.

2010-11-24T04:39:00.000+08:00

So many things that are going on right now, its just too much. Everything just seems so.....broken. What's wrong? Even words don't seem to be good enough to explain it. CONFUSION. I guess that's the best word to describe my state of mind. Hopefully its just that. if not, I guess everything really is broken.

2010-11-10T19:45:00.001+08:00

Never good enough. Apparently, the only thing you know how to do is blame people, blame, blame, blame. Oh, just shut up. Save your crap for someone who'll believe it. I'm about to just give up, I really am. Screw you. Really.

2010-11-08T01:59:00.001+08:00

As I bury my face into my hands this time, with tears flowing like there's no tomorrow, for a totally different reason. I guess its all in the name of love. I'm gonna miss not being with you, every single day, from monday to friday. Gonna miss your crazy laughter, your ''heavenly'' singing. You just made my life so much more enjoyable. I'm gonna miss that feeling of you sitting beside me, talking crap till the teacher stopped us. We could've talk about the most random stuff or the most relevant topics, like how we were apparently chatting about your addiction to Bollywood porn, or how you're gonna be the next Ronaldo, or even who you liked or who I liked. You saw me through the seasons (football, I mean. ;)) You really made my days. Loads of them. I'm really gonna miss that. I won't look forward that much to school anymore, now, cause I won't see you in the same class, with me.

I guess one paragraph isn't really enough to explain and say what impact you've made on me, but I just hope when you see this, maybe you might see I might have at least made 1 of your days? Heh.
Brother, Imma miss you sooo much, you can't imagine, its indescribable. <3

Hope this ain't too mushy for you. Cause it really came from the bottom of my heart.

I guess I just found the word to describe you and me, our friendship. Indescribable, obviously, in a good way. ;)

HEARTS. <3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Greens the colour, babeh. ;)

2010-11-05T16:34:00.000+08:00

You are irritating me. Playing around with my words, as if I broke a promise. Get your bloody facts right! I said what I said, and your talking as if its another thing! I've really hit a breaking point, so my feelings shouldn't be trifled with right now. You're not all to blame, for my bad mood, but, I swear, if you carry on with the way things are now, I won't be able to take it anymore. And that'll be it.

2010-11-05T16:29:00.000+08:00

You're so impossible. When something isn't working for you, isn't perfect in your eyes, you get in a bad mood and we don't see the end of it. You're always threatening to go away and never come back, always saying "don't test my patience" and stuff like that. Well, I've had enough of this shit! Look, if you need some time away from us, that's understandable. I don't mind you going on a holiday yourself and enjoy yourself, once in a while. But I hate it when you talk as if we are shit! We are shit! Not worth of your attention, not worth being alive. And you're always telling me, keep family matters within the family, and I have, for so long...I'm always protecting you from other people gossiping, may it be extended family or friends. But, I can always be gossiped about by your friends and your family (my extended family). Is it fair?! Hell no! The impression people have about me ain't good. Making it so hard to be myself or say anything around them. And when I don't, you say I'm being rude and stuff. This isn't fair! It isn't!

Your words are constantly ringing in my head, those hurtful, hurtful words. I think the way you've treated me has played a role in the way I act and my character. I would like to believe I wasn't this bad before and that I CAN BE CORRECTED.

This feeling that's burning in my heart now, it hurts so much for me to feel this way about you, but I really can't see any good anymore. I just hope, when I grow up, I'll only take the good points of you and don't get the bad points of you. But I think, I'll have more of your bad points, considering the way things have played out. I just pray.

2010-11-01T17:40:00.000+08:00

Yeah, whatever, blame it on me.

2010-10-30T23:39:00.001+08:00

You know, I'm really sick and tired of you and your stupid antics. I really hate this. Okay, how do I put this in words. Um, you really need to check yourself out. I'm really trying to please you, which I shouldn't have to, but I do, and its still not good enough. Might as well stop trying for you, everything I do is wrong in your eyes. Bloody hell, if I was older and not broke (no money), I would have already left! I'm serious. I'm so bloody irritated.

Now everything you do just irritates me and everything I do irritates you. But that's not the point. Another thing, you like to blame me alot to huh. For mistakes that aren't even mine. You also like to explode in my face out of no where and start shouting at me. You know how much that hurt?! I'm always there for you, always lending you a listening ear and stuff, but damn, you're a b*tch sometimes, you know that? Somemore, sometimes you even imply I shoudn't even be in your life, or shouldn't even be born. But that's not the worst. The worst is, you always seem to want me dead. It hurts so much, especially coming from you. It just breaks my heart. I guess we all have our pressure points, and you've reached yours, but I don't see why I should be dragged into the picture. Bloody Hell, I just wanna run away and don't ever look back.

2010-10-24T00:07:00.000+08:00

Hey, for the record, he's mine. <3

2010-10-23T00:40:00.000+08:00

Everyone's changing. And its hard. The people you thought you once knew aren't the people you knew. It's hard, you know, keeping up with everything that's happening.

If only there were a pause button.

But there isn't, obviously, so just live with it and try to get through.

JSYK, I don't really like you anymore, the attitude you're giving me is the attitude an upper-class person gives a pig, and I ain't buying any of your bull crap, so for the record, you suck.

2010-10-23T00:30:00.003+08:00

There's nothing to say about you, you're just a wolf in sheeps clothing.

YOU DISGUST ME.

2010-10-08T23:29:00.004+08:00

We don't need other people to tell us who we truly are.

2010-09-30T20:51:00.002+08:00

I LOVE YOU, TOO MUCH.

2010-09-29T21:39:00.003+08:00

Things just had to end up the way they were. Its sad, I thought I knew you.

2010-09-29T21:37:00.002+08:00

I can't stop thinking about you, yet, I don't even know you.

2010-09-21T16:59:00.003+08:00

Liking you, its not a good thing, at least, not to me.

2010-09-21T16:59:00.000+08:00

2010-09-20T20:49:00.001+08:00

I'm still dreaming about you, except now, it's different and I'm awake. We had a pathetic conversation, yet I'm still dwelling on it. It wasn't even about random things, but just whether you knew who I was. I knew you, you didn't know me. I see you, you don't see me. Now, this is just like every other story. When the girl likes the guy, yet he doesn't know she exists. I'll just see where the road takes me.

2010-09-13T00:08:00.002+08:00

I've realize, its moments like this I need to turn to God and pray, cause I know he is listening. Maybe the others may not be listening, asking me questions, but I guess, God will always be there for me. <3

I needa put more faith in him, that's all.

2010-09-13T00:05:00.000+08:00

There's nothing much to say, just that I'd hoped you noticed, but you didn't, no one did. Its sad, makes me feel lonely, I can't even put my sentences correct together. These are moments where I wanna swear and scream at the top of my lungs, or just, run away to a place far away. Why?

2010-09-13T00:02:00.000+08:00

Where am I to start? Life has been better, and I've felt better than I'm feeling now. I just wanna make it go away. ''Lets run away and don't ever look back, don't ever look back.'' - Teenage Dream by Katy Perry.

2010-09-02T21:09:00.002+08:00

I finally understand why you keep correcting me, and all. What you're asking for is not for me to change to be a better person, but to be perfect. Perfection is what you're looking for. And imma tell you now, I don't and will never be PERFECT.

2010-09-02T21:08:00.000+08:00

It starts with the smallest steps, the smallest thoughts, the smallest signs of hope.

2010-08-28T12:34:00.002+08:00

I hate it, just hate everything. Why isn't anything justified? Why?!

2010-08-28T12:27:00.002+08:00

Its different now, the way you treat me.

2010-08-28T12:26:00.002+08:00

Sacrifices are made, just for the wrong people. Put the blame on me, that's all you know how to do. Screw it.

2010-08-27T23:10:00.000+08:00

Maybe its about time you stopped thinking only about yourself. You have no clue, no damn clue what happens when thats all you do.

2010-08-27T23:08:00.000+08:00

Your priorities are at the wrong places, and you call yourself a friend. Some friend. I don't understand your concept, but I don't need to. All I need to know, and I do, is that the concept is wrong. Please, save your excuses for someone that cares, and that isn't me.

2010-08-27T15:52:00.002+08:00

3 strikes, you're out.

2010-08-25T19:37:00.000+08:00

Why isn't our friendship the same as others that I have? Others are unconditional friendships, while ours was built on fairness and equalness. A friendship shouldn't have to be like that, a secret for a secret. It should be unconditional, like the way we both trust one another whatever happens.

Too bad you don't trust me, and don't say its not true, cause I know it is.

2010-08-24T22:49:00.002+08:00

Please don't act as if you know her so well, she doesn't even care for you. And here you are, telling me she's like someone you've known all your life. Everytime you pretend and lie to yourself, I'm just gonna watch. You big wannabe, I'll be at the sideline watching you.

2010-08-24T18:20:00.000+08:00

I don't even know who you are anymore. I really wish I did though.

2010-08-24T18:18:00.000+08:00

You are constantly correcting me. It may be for the right reasons, but, you're still correcting me on false, bias grounds. I don't deserve this type of treatment, I deserve better. But not that you would know. This is all unjustified, I tell you. Unjustified.

2010-08-24T18:15:00.002+08:00

You don't know how much your words can hurt a person, even though you may not mean it.

Trust me, I know.

2010-08-24T18:06:00.001+08:00

You don't trust me anymore, I can feel it..and you told me. I guess I knew it would come to that, it was just a matter of time. I knew, cause I didn't wanna be close to you to start with, but we ended up drawing closer and closer, just for me to fall, realizing you don't trust me. I really thought it was real. You probably didn't know how much you finally meant to me. Its sad you know?

Oh wait, I bet you don't know.

2010-08-22T18:31:00.002+08:00

One word: Misconceptions.

2010-08-19T22:23:00.002+08:00

Responsibilities, commitments.

2010-08-15T22:58:00.003+08:00

If everything was just easier. Or simpler. But it isn't. I cry softly, in the corner of the room, but everything is locked up inside. I'm a closed book. You can read the cover, but you'll never know whats inside. I try to open up, the whole, real truth, but I can't. Its too hard. And mistakes I make just make it even harder. If only...

2010-08-09T12:51:00.002+08:00

It ain't easy the more and the more you try.

2010-08-08T22:31:00.001+08:00

High hopes, way too high.

2010-08-06T19:13:00.001+08:00

Words will never describe the way I feel now, its too overwhelming, that everything that happened, happened. I couldn't be anymore happier, nah, actually I could. :P
Its you that makes everything even more special than it already is. <3

2010-08-06T19:11:00.001+08:00

Best days of my life! <3

2010-08-03T21:31:00.000+08:00

With every good, comes a bad. So when you came, I should have known that sacrifices had to be made, but, I know, in the end, you'll be worth every bit.

2010-08-02T22:03:00.001+08:00

Why?!

Turn it up- Pixie Lott

2010-08-02T20:54:00.000+08:00

I know you can't stay, so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the fall.
We had our time, baby, so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the call, ooooh oooh.

Baby, its over, we both know, lets go forward.
I love you, but in a different way, I love you, forever.
Now that we've come to the end of a story-y and I know that it's gonna be hard for me.
Might hurt some, not too much, but I gotta let it wait.
As the world turns around and we go different places, new things, new dreams, new faces.
Wanna shake up, when we break up, but we keep our memories.

I know you can't stay, so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the fall.
We had our time, baby, so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the call.

Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".
Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".

Baby, it's better, and I wan't you, to be happy.
Sometimes people find that it's so hard just to say goodbye.
It ain't easy the more and the more you try.
So there'll be cheating, better saving, but not me and my boy.
We understand that we're friends and it just ain't working, no point in the constant fighting.
So when we go nuts, for a minute, and admit that we're just not in it.

I know you can't stay, so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the fall.
We had our time, baby, so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the call.
Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".
Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".
Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".
Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".

I might lose my mind for a while, but I'll be fine (fine).
Have you heard there's this thing that heals, and it's called time (time).
Clock can tick away, happy will fall in place.
I know, my heart will break, a new me will fill this space.

I know you can't stay, so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the fall.
We had our time, baby, so I won't be waiting, anticipating for the call.

Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".
Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".
Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".
Turn it up, turn it up for the people that say "we're moving on and we'll be okay".

2010-08-02T20:14:00.000+08:00

You're right, you shouldn't be blamed. But, -----you just don't get it. You never will. Since you know I'll feel left out, why aren't you trying, FOR ME? I wish, that you'll understand what I mean. Its so hard to explain everything when you're not in my position, when you can't imagine.

2010-08-01T19:06:00.000+08:00

I miss the freedom, something that hardly comes around. <3

I miss the holidays too, where I didn't have to worry about anything. <3

Its quite ironic though, for this picture. :P

But its people like them that make everything better. <3
But of course, their not the only ones. :D

2010-08-01T17:00:00.000+08:00

If you're not budging, I'm not either. We can stay at where we are now. I don't mind, I have so much to do, I can't be bothered to patch this up. I guess I knew that there would be a point where we wouldn't be able to handle it anymore. I guess there's a limit to how much you can handle, the same way there's a limit to how much I can handle. And your response, tells it all. I'm not worth it anymore.

2010-07-30T19:53:00.000+08:00

Family, friends. What are they there for?
I can't even muster up the words to describe anything now. Its too genuine, too screwed up. Words won't be able to do the job. Nothing will.

2010-07-30T19:50:00.000+08:00

You're trying to blame everything on me, so that you don't need to face the fact that you have problems. Carry on, its not the first time. Just a little more scarred everytime, that's all. No big deal. Even I've lost faith. Isn't that what you want? For it to come the the point where I stand alone. I don't trust anyone anymore. And you didn't give a damn to come and find out and just assume that I live a self-centered, self absorbed life. You know why I do what I do? So that in the end, its me who gets hurt. Not you. But what I get as support just makes me wanna stop and just tell you right in your face that you're a b*tch. I'm very demanding, yes I know. But I think this time, its on a reasonable account, in other words, not demanding. But I guess you don't think so. I'm just a tool for you to use. Blame it on me, then you go. Try to find fault in me and then stop. Till you're satisfied. I bear with it because I love you, but whether its worth it in the end, only time will tell. And a whole lot more or scars. When I grow up, I'll be in a whole lot of deep shit, because I'll be too much for anyone to handle, all because of you, and a lot more people who, are truly selfish. I can totally relate to the way you feel, cause its the way you make me feel. I always wonder, just because of you, why God put in me such a position. I don't have faith in myself anymore. When I'm 18, I'll be a ghost in your life. There for you, but you'll never know where I am. I'll be out of your life, gone forever. I'll run away, alone. Never see anyone again, a new life, but still the same old me, because, I guess, some scars will always be left behind.

2010-07-29T22:32:00.000+08:00

Let's run away and don't ever look back, don't ever look back. <3

2010-07-29T22:31:00.000+08:00

Thanks for replacing me, it makes everything so much easier. And it adds so much spice to the situation. But hey! You've got your friends, I've got mine. You've finally open my eyes. Its just the bad truth that I'll just have to deal with.

2010-07-27T23:13:00.000+08:00

Its hard not to talk to you, but unless you start a conversation with me, I'm not giving in. I'm remembering the good times we had, and it brings me to tears that I was about to give it all up. But, I've lost it, and I can never get it back. Sorry, its always because of me that we get into fights, but I guess its just the way I am. I've lost too much to go back to where we were. I'm sorry.

2010-07-27T18:14:00.000+08:00

It was he's and my dirty little secret. It was OURS to keep. Just someone had to get in the way, her. Hey, she's my friend, but, I don't like it when she steals the attention everytime. She just had to ruin it, ruin it all, isn't it? It may not be on purpose, but, I'll take it to heart. Doesn't she have enough attention? Yet, she is here to steal mine. I'm sorry, maybe I'm just paranoid, or maybe not.

2010-07-27T18:10:00.000+08:00

What you think you have no control over, you're not wrong, just not right. Its in between, a little give and take. You could make some effort to try, but not too much to make it wrong. But it doesn't really matter. I'm done. It'll always be like that, till my last walk of the earth, cause history is the name of the game, something I don't have, something I can never have. You will never understand, cause you're not on the losing side. What do you have to lose? Not much, just me. You'll get over it. I'm hardly part of your life now anyways. It'll all play out, for you. You still have them, it'll be cool.

I know maybe its unfair to you, but this is just the way I am. I'm paranoid, ignorant, blah blah blah. If you can't accept it, you can stop it. Just not be friends. Cause I'm not changing for anynone, its a bad road to take. It might be too much for you, I get it. I'm sorry for making you feel the way you do, but, no, I'm not sorry for the situation now.

2010-07-26T21:04:00.000+08:00

I miss you, alot, again. I can't help it. I just like you too much, and even though we don't talk much, forever, you will always have a special place in my heart, FOREVER. Gosh, how I wish you were here, with me.

Crazier- Taylor Swift

2010-07-26T21:02:00.000+08:00

I've never gone with the wind
Just let it flow
Let it take me where it wants to go
Till you open the door
There's so much more
I've never seen it before

I was trying to fly
But I couldn't find wings
Then you came along
And you changed everything

You lift my feet off the ground
Spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier,
Crazier, crazier

Watched from a distance as you
Made life your own
Every sky was your own kind of blue
And I wanted to know
How that would feel
And you made it so real

You showed me something that I couldn't see
Opened my eyes and you made me believe

You lift my feet off the ground
Spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier,
Crazier, crazier, oh

Baby, you showed me what living is for
I don't want to hide anymore

You lift my feet off the ground
You spin me around
You make me crazier, crazier
Feels like I'm falling and I
I'm lost in your eyes
You make me crazier,
Crazier, crazier
Crazier, crazier

2010-07-26T20:03:00.000+08:00

When things were suppose to be getting better, everything came crashing down. When it all falls apart, you start thinking about the one you love and hope that everything will get better, when it won't. Cause the one you love doesn't know.

2010-07-26T20:01:00.000+08:00

You'll never know the way I felt, cause you're so caught up in your own wonderland, too caught up to realize my pain. I try so hard, just to get no where. I can't see us as friends in the future, I really can't.

When it all falls apart- The Veronicas

2010-07-26T19:55:00.000+08:00

I'm having the day from hell,
It was all going so well (before you came)
And you told me you needed space,
With a kiss on the side my face (not again)
And not to mention (the tears I shed)
But I should have kicked your (ass instead)
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream

Cause baby
Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
Cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
No

Don't know where I parked my car
Don't know who my real friends are (anymore)
I put my faith in you
What a stupid thing to do (when it rains it pours)
And not to mention (I drank too much)
I'm feeling hung over (and out of touch)
I need intervention
Attention to stop temptation to scream

Cause baby
Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
Cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
No

Can it be easier?
Can I just change my life?
Cause it just seems to go bad everytime
Will I be mending?
Another one ending once again

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
Cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
No, no

Falls apart
Gotta pick myself out cause things are mended

2010-07-26T19:45:00.001+08:00

Lets just face it, you're so much better than me and people like you more than me. Hey, I'm okay with it. Nah, I'm just kidding. I'm not okay with it. You're my best friend. And its really hard, really hard on me, and that makes a whole lot of comprimises our friendship, you just don't see it.

2010-07-21T23:00:00.001+08:00

I admit, sometimes you annoy me, irratate me, and piss me off, but lets just say, you've grown on me. I can't live without you, you're part of my life, whether I like it or not. And I should be happy, and I will be.

2010-07-20T22:42:00.000+08:00

I know you wish I was blind, cause I saw you, laughing at me. You joined in the crowd and laughed along, just to be cool and you still call yourself my friend. So, just to be cool (like you, except so much cooler), you either need to get a dictionary or get the screws in your head tightened, or even better, just go to hell.

2010-07-20T22:34:00.000+08:00

This stupid move should have never happened, its made everything different, some good, some bad. Its just a change, and it seems all negative. Some MAY be good, I just don't see it, and I'm sure I won't see it for a long time. I just hope things will go ''back to normal''. I just pray.

2010-07-18T22:48:00.000+08:00

Its challenging, always being compared to you. But I'm just gonna have to deal with it. They got nothin' on me. What can they do? Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game. I'm just gonna try harder.

2010-07-18T22:45:00.001+08:00

I changed. I'm sorry you don't like me anymore. But I couldn't help it. It happened, and its gonna stay. Deal with it.

2010-07-18T22:44:00.000+08:00

I know, I'm not that important. And I'm not being paranoid. Its the truth. And you lied to cover it up! I don't need you, to lie into my face that I'm not as important as her. But you did, again!

2010-07-18T22:32:00.001+08:00

Why is everything falling apart? Cries for help go unanswered.

2010-07-18T22:26:00.000+08:00

I'm doubting you now, more than I ever have before. God, why? When I need you, and pray, you don't seem to be there. But, I don't know. I'm just doubtful. I believe in you, just not that much anymore in your powers. I'm sorry, maybe, I DON'T KNOW. HELP ME.

2010-07-12T21:38:00.000+08:00

I hate it when you're not yourself, always trying to impress others. On top of that, you know its not you and you know I know. Yet, you're always trying to be something you not, a people pleaser. Because, according to you, that's who you really are. I hope you could just open your eyes to see the truth.

2010-07-12T21:36:00.000+08:00

You don't realize I'll be here for you, no matter what. You should, if not why would I always try to never FAIL talk to you and try to start a conversation with you? I always love talking to you. And I always will.

2010-07-11T23:53:00.000+08:00

You were right. I ought to think, if he is really the one or, not. I should actually put in time to think this through, before going through the same routine of trying to forget him again, and carrying on with my life. I should put in some time to thinking of what we can become, instead if thinking like I always do (negatively). What you said, gives me alot of hope, that may send me falling to the ground, or rising up to the top. But I'm still gonna try, no matter what.

2010-07-11T23:48:00.001+08:00

You forgot about me.

2010-07-10T12:46:00.000+08:00

Thanks for trusting me, talking to me. You made my week~ After everything that happened, you came at the right time, you made everything better, even though everything sucked. You really know how to make a girl feel like a million bucks.

2010-07-06T23:36:00.000+08:00

You don't have to lie, when I already know the truth. And you know I know the truth, but you still wanna lie, cause you want something you can't have.

2010-07-06T22:33:00.000+08:00

You turned out to be someone I never thought you would turn out to be. I'm suprised, in the same way people were suprised with my change too but, its not the same. I don't like for the fact we're growing up, and that we're changing, and that its gonna happen whether we like it or not. Its gonna happen, and its gonna stay, we're just gonna have to fight through it.