love, me.

Liking the same guy, for 4 years. To some its a really long time, but to some others, its not. But its enough to know that since he's going away soon, I'm having this indescribable heartache. I can't cry about it, but it just hurts. I pray that someday I'll marry him. Because I could never imagine living without him. I know, I'm still young, I may not know. But it just seems like it. I fell in love with him. I like his smile, I love how when I'm so sad, he can just say something to make me happy. I'm amazed by him. He never fails to surprise me and how strong one can be with God. He's so broken, yet he doesn't complain, he doesn't show it. I love the way he worships God, and just trusts everything in Him. So inspirational. Yet, of course I hate that he can live without me, but that I can't live without him. That even my best friend may be closer to him than I may be. I hate that I may never mean anything more than a sister to him. I hate it that I may not deserve him, that he may be too good for me. And that when he goes away, hopefully not for too long, he may meet someone else along the way. Insecurities, that's all it is.
But I've always seen us as those couples you see on TV. Like Meridith and Derek on Grey's Anatomy, or like Melinda and Jim in Ghost Whisperer. I see us growing old together, having a family, meeting each other in Heaven, again. My school friends think I'm crazy, and desperate, but I'm not. I just know what I want. I'm not chasing after it now, after all, I'm still young, I'll give it a couple of years. I've waited for 4 years, who's to say that I can't carry on waiting for some miracle to happen? I can.
This feeling, having all my emotions running through my body, that weird heartache I'm having now, having my emotions put into words in my brain, but too fast that I can't type if out. Its so weird, yet, it isn't new. I've got it before, talking about him. I try to find so many faults in him, for myself not to like him, but I can't. Everytime I think about him, its always good things.
But its not like crazy teen love. Okay, maybe it is, but I just know its different from last time, back when I was younger. When I was younger, I went to church to see him, and if I connect with God along the way, then good. Now, I go to church for God. And I see God in him, and in me. God plays such a big part now, and I see it. Which is why I know this is sort of like the real deal. But yet again, I'm young and still growing, so who am I to know so much?

1:31 AM love like there's no tomorrow